Support in the strangest places

I got pregnant with my second child only 10 months after my first was born. It had taken a long time and a pregnancy loss with my first, plus I was on bed rest, most of it in the hospital, for six weeks before delivering him early by c-section and having a long, not fun recovery. My first pregnancy was pretty much all consuming for my family. I did not think my friends and family, as wonderful as they were, should have to hear me go on and on about another pregnancy so soon. So I did something I really never thought I would...I joined an online group of moms whose babies were due in January 2000.

My second child will be eight this January and these women are still some of the most important people in my life. When something happens - good or bad - I immediately think about when I will get home to tell them. We laugh together, cry together, celebrate all of our and our families successes, and provide each other support for everything from annoying husbands to, in three terrible, tragic cases, the death of our online friends' children. My real-life friends know that I speak about my internet friends on the same level I speak about them. (I have met several in real life).

What does this have to do with being on bed rest, you ask? These people helped keep me sane during my last bed rest. I lived for our weekly chats. In between, I'd post to the message board as much as I needed to. I loved having a place to write out all the crap I had been through that day, to talk about the crazy things people said, to complain about the dust under the stereo - anything. Blogging wasn't big then, it may not have even existed. I needed people to listen and support me.

We want to be that place for you, but we also want you to share with others where and how you have found support beyond that of your family and friends. Is there some support group without whom you couldn't get through this? Is there something specific we can do to get you through this? We've gotten a few e-mails from folks on bed rest, but they haven't posted here. Tell us what we can do to make you feel comfortable posting. We really want to build this community, and your ideas about how we can do this and be a better support for you would be very helpful. In the meantime, your sharing what other sites have been helpful to you may help others.

Thank you - and try to stay sane!!

Regina and Kathie

Bed Rest is Heaven????

I can't say, I think that's accurate, but I can't speak for the world, I guess.
Anyone on bed rest has probably experienced the family member or friend who says she or he wishes they'd be banished to bed rest for some relaxation. It's mind blowingly strange to say that given the circumstances which normally sends someone to bed rest, but people make mistakes sometimes.

But, I was surprised the other day when a mom told me that bed rest was the best time she ever had in life. People catered to her, brought her meals, visited only when she wanted them to, made her stuff, bought her stuff, and after fifteen years of busting ass in the workforce, having someone order her to quit felt remarkably good, freeing, even.

Well, I suppose this all could be filed under individual differences. From the way someone is able to occupy her mind, keep busy while existing in six square feet of space for months, look at her circumstances optimistically, view the future as impossibly great to the way their body feels while "resting," we all handle bed rest differently.

How have you found your attitude toward bed rest? Have you reeled between extremes of dispair and glee or hovered somewhere in between?

So, you're on bed rest for half your pregnancy...

One reader named Deborah emailed to say she's sixteen days into what could be a twenty week bed rest.

Wow, that's sobering and chilling and wonderful that she was able to have a plan of action come to light before things got out of hand and put her or the baby in danger of any sort.

My bed rest was very short, though intense and led to a premature birth so I don't know at all how Deborah must feel right now.

I do know that part of this long process for her will be her everchanging outlook and forever swinging emotions.

According to friends of mine--Susan and Kayla--the first segment of such a long bed rest was unsettling and they resisted it mentally. They followed doctors orders and nestled into their nest, but in their minds they couldn't be there. Their minds went to their older, though still small children, the work they left for someone else--both at home and at the office, the friends they didn't feel ike seeing and those they were dying to. Nothing seemed to sit right even though sitting was all they had to do all day and night.

Then, at about 26 weeks--five weeks into things--they calmed down about the baby. Because the fetus was now past the age of viability, they focused on each day with baby inside as a day he or she matured, a day for celebration. Everything looked different, a little better, a little easier to believe that one day they would remember bed rest but it wouldn't have the suffocating force it did until that point.

Then, by the time they were in the 33rd week or so, they ants came back and they could barely stand some days. Now, it wasn't as nerve=wracking as before because they were pretty sure an early delivery would mean delayed homecoming for baby, but a good prognoisis overall. At 33 weeks, they were just stir crazy and ready to deliver as any mother would be.

Part of why we designed the website Bedrestishell.com is to help ease other people through those segments of bed rest. None of it is easy and me telling you how two women rode the bed rest roller coaster in vague, optimistic terms isn't that helpful. But we think, some of the suggestions we've offered will help you as you eek out that difficult, though miraculous time of baby gestation.

We'd love to hear some of what you all have found to help you through bed rest--even if you're on it for a shorter time. And, thanks so much to Deborah for sharing your situation and for stopping by.

Labor Day Has Passed

Well, labor day has passed and with it, for all of you on bed rest, the jokes related to delivering on that day. I hope everyone had a good stream of visitors over the weekend and also some time to relax.

My son just started kindergarten last week and it's forced me to think about transistions and revisit the idea of routines and what it means to us as human beings.

I nearly passed out when Jake disappeared into the enormous school and though I'd been looking forward to this day for him and me for so long, I was struck by instant emotion.

The kind that my mind doesn't always follow as I asked myself what the problem was. My mind thought "nothing, no problem, this is awesome." But my body did other wise and cued the tears.

It didn't make any sense and once I got myself together then next thing that came to mind was the birth of Jake--nine weeks early.

Nine weeks is a walk in the park these days, according to doctors, but having been shocked by the early birth, it sure didn't feel that way. Even with relatively small issues and the optimistic reassurances of doctors in the NICU, I couldn't stop crying, wondering if Jake would fall into the tiny proportion of babies who didn't progress so well.

But, the experience brought to mind how difficult transitions can be and how important it is to have people who support you in that strange time of bed rest.

How are you dealing with the way intellectual information plays on your emotions? Is it easy (for some people it is) or now has it been hard for you?

Comfort Food

Today my Shape magazine came in the mail. I'm sure the mailman looks at me with my extra 15 or so pounds and wonders why the heck he needs to lug that magazine to my door each month! I've had the subscription for almost 5 years. After my second bed rest (with my third and final child) I decided it was time to take back control of my body. I hated that it had let me down and that I'd had so little control over what was happening to me and now that I had no choice but to be done having kids, it was time to get in shape. Plus, I was turning 40.

I did get in shape. I looked the best I had in ages - for awhile. Then I had some surgeries and now I'm back to square one.

This month's issue reminded me of all of you stuck in bed. One of the success stories was about a woman who after being on bed rest with two of her kids found herself 100 pounds overweight. She mentioned how everyone who visited her brought food. Of course she lost all the weight a few years later - it wouldn't be a success story otherwise - but her story reminded me of how happy food made me when I was on bed rest! Everyone who visited would bring me little (and not so little) treats. My regular visitors would call before they came and ask what I was in the mood for. I ate so many french fries, turkey reubens, brownie sundaes, pop tarts...you get the idea. If I didn't truly understand the meaning of comfort food before, I sure did then.

Luckily, somehow I didn't gain an extraordinary amount of weight. I'm not sure how - I didn't really pay much attention. I figured if food made me feel better, I deserved it. Maybe because I also made sure to eat things that were good for the baby, my portions of the bad stuff weren't so bad.

I still think you do whatever makes you feel better. But I also think since it doesn't last forever, you don't want to have to spend three years trying to undo your few months of indulgence. Whatever your diet, I think you just do not feel guilty about it. We're women, mothers or soon to be mothers, and daughters. We already feel guilty about more than enough things.

Bon Appetit!

How has your diet been while you've been on bed rest? Has your relationship with food changed since your bed rest? If you're eating a lot of junk, do you feel guilty, entitled or indifferent?

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

I wonder how many times a day those words are sent into the universe. I said them myself today and it made me think of all of who are currently on bed rest.

Though not on bed rest myself, in the last twenty-four hours my life has been completely disrupted and I've been somewhat stranded and left wondering why my life turned as it did.

I was involved in a car accident yesterday and though luckily no one was hurt, the car will be in the shop for a while.

While I realize this is in no way a close parallel to the feeling of isolation and disconnection you feel while on bed rest, it does provide some lessons for me at least.

We don't even recognize the extent to which we settle into and depend on our routines--or the ability to spontaneously decide to go for groceries or coffee or to the pool--until they're altered.

And then, even when there's a bright side to the situation--no one was injured in the accident in my case and your illumination might be that you are aiding your body in the process of incubating new life--it can be hard to keep the bright side in front of your mind.

Even as little bursts of good luck accompany the bad, I can't shake the dread I feel, the weightiness of what might have happened if...

For example, my in-laws are lending us an old car they had in the garage and I think, how lucky is that? I mean, really lucky. And then I find out that the air-conditioning in it is broken. Ugh, do you know hot it is in Pittsburgh? And I wonder what that's all about--my being forced to sweat my ass off as I run errands and live my life on top of everything else. All I can figure is that there is some lesson I haven't learned yet--something to be revealed from my sweat glands and pores gaping wide, sending forth moisture and odor. There's a lesson there, beyond the obvious, I'm sure.

There are very few people in the world who actually say, "There is nothing in the world worse than what I'm going through." And I try very hard to remember that. Sometimes it doesn't matter what other people are experiencing if your pain is great enough. And we all get through the rough times using different tools.

For now, I can look at my situation and know it's nothing compared to what mothers with children who are ill are going through, or those of you worrying about your pregnancy, any number of things compared to my relatively minor distruptions are really and truly problems.

But, my problem at hand does the job of making me remember how hard it is to be on bed rest, to not know when life will be normal again, or even remember what it felt like to have a normal existence.

So, here's to all you mothers on bed rest. I'm thinking of you from afar.

What artist?

One of the suggestions that Regina and I offer on how to survive bedrest is to "Expose the Artist in You." I sort of cringed writing that, because I wondered how many people would read it and think, "What artist?" A few years ago, I would have had the same reaction.

I'll never forget the first time someone pointed out to me that being "artistic" didn't mean "can draw more than stick figures."

I was attending a teacher workshop while interning in a swanky school district and we were told to do some sort of artsy thing and though I don't remember exactly what I said to the assignment that I can't remember but I remember the presenter's response:

"Of course you're artistic. Look at your hair (don't look at it now, it's been years since I put the kind of time into my lid that would elicit the notion I was doing something artsy), the way you put your clothes together, the way you write." Well, I thought that was certainly scraping the bottom of the artsy barrel, but as time plodded on, I began to see the art world differently.

It might be a matter of the way someone puts together their furnishings, plays with colors, painting to create something that communicates a mood more than a "picture," or the way a person approaches their life as a whole.

Dipping into your artistic stores might seem more like work than fun. But, we think that once you've settled into bed rest and found pockets of time where you feel antsy but willing to do something different, a glob of clay, a pack of markers or painting wooden treasure boxes for your other children might seem like a good outlet rather than a curriculum for pain.

How do you see yourself or someone else as artistic? What would you like to try if you were in the right frame of mind?

Bed Rest Etiquette

by,
Kathie

Is there such a thing as Bed Rest Etiquette?

I'm not really sure what the etiquette is for the person on bed rest because when you're ordered to take to your bed when, physically, you feel mostly well all bets are off on how to conduct your business. You're in bed after all.

Because your world has shrunk to the size of your bedsheets not only does everyone--their ambulatory lives--irritate you, but you even start to bug yourself.

I think most women probably do their best to maintain a good mood and pleasant appearance--hahaha--just kidding. Well, not totally kidding.

A lot of women need to look good to feel good. And others find that pushing any negativity from their minds goes a long way in coloring their time on bed rest.

But people like me, find it impossible not to entertain, from time to time, the deepest negative possibilities because I feel it somehow prepares me. I can't stand the thought that I would construct some sort of phony positive outlook to have it shattered by the one variable that affects 0.01% of cases.

I think people deal with adversity differently and while visitors probably grant the mother-to-be some leeway in her lack of happy moods, it can be very hard for the bed-bound mother to grant the same lee-way to her visitors. And even if the bed rester doesn't admit her feelings to the visitor, the feelings can fester and build inside, causing more stress.

If you're on bed rest you've probably had your share of Research-Rhondas visit. Within minutes of arriving bedside, Rhonda has already logged three-dozen hours on the computer and knows more of your condition than you doctor does. This person can be reassuring or frustrating as hell depending on the bed rester's personality.

Gloomy Gladys visits, bearing bad news and forty anecdotes regarding how bed rest goes bad, or worse, how your case is the worst one she's heard so far.

Happy Hannah's no picnic either. Doesn't she realize this is serious? That it's not a party to be sentenced to rest. Much as it sounds as though it might be fun.

This is where ettiquette comes in. For the visitors. Bring your listening ears, people. Think hard about the person you're visiting. How does she handle other crises? Does she hunger for information or crave distraction? Don't handle the bed rester as you would like to be handled unless you know that's what she wants and needs.

Mostly, use your head, be forthright about being unsure how to help. That will be appreciated as much as anything you could bring or offer as advice.

Just be yourself (if you're nice) and share a little of the outside world--she'll love you for it forever.

Those of you on bed rest--what do you want from your visitors?

And visitors--what have you found to be helpful in supporting your loved one?

anon comments...

I'm trying to figure out how to allow anon comments, so let's try this:



What's been the toughest thing about bed rest so far?



What's the funniest or strangest thing someone said to you regarding bed rest?

It's Hot in Here!

Okay, so summer in Pittsburgh is chilly and pleasant this year, but Regina and I know spending time on pregnancy bed rest can be hellish. We'd like to support you as you sweat out the days, weeks or months and your life shrinks to the size of a bed or hospital room. We've been there, we've know how it burns to have a pregnancy turn in this unexpected direction and we're here to help see you through.



Regina and I (both of us have lived with some degree of bed rest with Regina possibly setting, or at the very least, sniffing a record of some sort) are thrilled you found us though sad that you're currently prone, waiting, frustrated and in need of this particular community. Some of you might feel a twinge of relief that your doctor took action, that being on bed rest puts the health of your pregancy in your hands at least a little, that is. We'd love to hear that end of the story as well.


Whatever your feelings and worries, your thoughts are welcome here as Regina and I offer our input on how to survive a very difficult time. We'll post to the blog several times a week and would love your comments in the hopes of creating a nurturing environment that peaks your interest and provides a respite from the sometimes insane existence called pregnancy bed rest.

In addition to telling us a little about yourselves, we'd love to hear what you want and need from your family and friends while you're on bed rest. If you head over to our website Bed Rest is Hell you'll find some of our suggestions of ways friends and families can help. But, we want your thougths as well to better fill out this world of bed rest and make it as painless as possible!

Feel free to comment as we'd love to hear your thoughts.

Under construction

We'll be back so you can bitch and moan about being forced to lie in bed all day. We've been there!