by,
Kathie
Is there such a thing as Bed Rest Etiquette?
I'm not really sure what the etiquette is for the person on bed rest because when you're ordered to take to your bed when, physically, you feel mostly well all bets are off on how to conduct your business. You're in bed after all.
Because your world has shrunk to the size of your bedsheets not only does everyone--their ambulatory lives--irritate you, but you even start to bug yourself.
I think most women probably do their best to maintain a good mood and pleasant appearance--hahaha--just kidding. Well, not totally kidding.
A lot of women need to look good to feel good. And others find that pushing any negativity from their minds goes a long way in coloring their time on bed rest.
But people like me, find it impossible not to entertain, from time to time, the deepest negative possibilities because I feel it somehow prepares me. I can't stand the thought that I would construct some sort of phony positive outlook to have it shattered by the one variable that affects 0.01% of cases.
I think people deal with adversity differently and while visitors probably grant the mother-to-be some leeway in her lack of happy moods, it can be very hard for the bed-bound mother to grant the same lee-way to her visitors. And even if the bed rester doesn't admit her feelings to the visitor, the feelings can fester and build inside, causing more stress.
If you're on bed rest you've probably had your share of Research-Rhondas visit. Within minutes of arriving bedside, Rhonda has already logged three-dozen hours on the computer and knows more of your condition than you doctor does. This person can be reassuring or frustrating as hell depending on the bed rester's personality.
Gloomy Gladys visits, bearing bad news and forty anecdotes regarding how bed rest goes bad, or worse, how your case is the worst one she's heard so far.
Happy Hannah's no picnic either. Doesn't she realize this is serious? That it's not a party to be sentenced to rest. Much as it sounds as though it might be fun.
This is where ettiquette comes in. For the visitors. Bring your listening ears, people. Think hard about the person you're visiting. How does she handle other crises? Does she hunger for information or crave distraction? Don't handle the bed rester as you would like to be handled unless you know that's what she wants and needs.
Mostly, use your head, be forthright about being unsure how to help. That will be appreciated as much as anything you could bring or offer as advice.
Just be yourself (if you're nice) and share a little of the outside world--she'll love you for it forever.
Those of you on bed rest--what do you want from your visitors?
And visitors--what have you found to be helpful in supporting your loved one?
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9 comments:
I'm commenting on my own comment here because I can't stand seeing a big fat--okay this one's sort of slim-looking--zero. So, yes, I'll add to the post by saying how lucky I was to have a slew of great visitors when I was in the hospital on bed rest. And, because Beth was born on Christmas Eve, everyone brought me fantastic little gifts...
Until I too was put on a strict bedrest regime after a long, scary illness with a mysterious fever, I would have been one of those awful people who said 'Gee, I just wish someone would tell ME I had to stay in bed.' You are so right: when you've got to stay in bed, it is no fun at all. What I found the most infuriating was watching my husband cook the same not-so-healthy meals every day and watching the laundered but unsorted, unfolded clothes build up every day until the pile was a good three-feet high and growing.
And at the time, all I had to read were books in Japanese (which took me an age to get through and exhausted me) and the odd magazine. And no laptop or Internet!
Hey Mary, thanks for the comment. That does sound like really rough bed rest for sure! So, nothing but books in Japanese, huh. Perhaps that's when the writer in you took over? How long did you have to stay in bed? That must have been vague--staying in bed due to a brutal fever that had actually ended...
I was in the hospital for one week, finally checking myself out against medical advice out of sheer desperation. They would not let me take a shower for fear that I would 'get a chill.' I found this so demoralizing given the heat and my fever that I felt I would die, and to hell with the putative chill risk.
After I left the hospital, I was told not to get out of bed to do anything other than use the toilet -- for one month. I swear, it seemed like a year, and I'm afraid I cheated: I had my husband bring the laundry to my futon and I sorted it lying down. The reason they were so strict about the bedrest was that they feared my liver had been damaged. My liver turned out to be perfectly fine, but it was scary for a while.
Yikes, Mary, that is terrifically intense. You must have been dancing the day you were told you could get the hell out of bed! Not showering while in the hospital is always gross, isn't it? I'm starting to wonder it's a plot of some sort...
I just realized that I never answered your question. Typical!
What I wanted from my visitors were things from the outside world -- snatches of gossip, books, newspapers. And coffee! What I didn't want was comments like "Gee, I wish I could be in bed for a couple of weeks, what a nice vacation you're having." Comments like that wore a hole in my patience pretty quick. I rather appreciated the people who had bothered to research my condition and offered me helpful advice -- or who tried to at any rate.
I've been on bedrest for 3 1/2 weeks now (home, allowed up for meals and bathroom, as of Monday allowed up for limited activities)and am about 26 1/2 weeks pregnant. This is my second pregnancy and second round of bedrest. I feel very anti-social for saying this, but I think I prefer limited visitors, although love emails and phone calls. Visitors remind me of what I can't do and make me feel bad for being stuck horizontal while I should be offering a drink or somehow being a good host. I'm luck enough to be able to do some work from home, so have developed a work/non-work routine that helps the days pass more quickly.
I know this is an old post, but I'm on hospital bed rest right now, beginning my third week, and the thing that bugs me the most is people not calling in advance of visiting. It's ok for family and close friends, perhaps, but I'm a teacher and have had students pop in and my substitute teacher comes in every couple days to update me, without calling. Quite frankly, it's weird for me. Here I am in my pajamas, laying around, and people just show up unannounced? This room is like my bedroom right now. Why do people consider hospital rooms public territory? My room is not Panera Bread. The other day a colleague showed up and surprised me 5 minutes before my blood pressure was taken (I'm in here for high b.p.) and my reading was high, probably because of the surprise. SO ANNOYING.
I completely agree with the previous post. My husband is deployed, so people think that I am severely depressed, lonely, and bored in the hospital. I'm not. I still like being by myself and having quiet time. I've been here three weeks and have 9 more to go and I don't know how I will do it. I have one or more unannounced visitor everyday and it is driving me insane. I'm going to have to take the drastic step of putting a "No visitors please" sign on my door because the hospital just lets everyone visit whenever they want. If people call ahead, fine. If it is a good friend or family member, fine. But I am getting visits from people from local churches who have been praying for me. I appreciate it, but this is my bedroom now. I have already lost all sense of privacy being here. Please call and ask to visit. Or if you drop in, don't spend an hour with me. I know you think you are doing a good deed, but it takes a lot of energy (that I don't have) to entertain a stranger for an hour. I am here to rest.
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